That Girl Who Wishes

I'm Changing (Again.)

2006-04-08T06:21:01Z

I'm sick of being a gadfly, so I thought I'd be Jesus.

http://nncyc.livejournal.com/

Buh-bye now.

SG&M!

Acid Crash (Terminated)

2006-04-06T06:18:30Z

First off, the crash period wasn't that bad. I cried through it and then I was fine. Really tired. But fine. And now I can't sleep. Ironic? Yes.

This I am putting here because I want a copy other than the hard copy and I like things up here for no apparent reason. So, you can ignore it. Like you do most everything I put up here. That wasn't a stab. It was the truth.

Daily Schedule

Must Be Followed (No Exceptions!!)

Monday - Tuesday - Friday

7:00 AM WAKE UP/MORNING MEDITATION
7:10 AM HAVE SHOWER
7:30 AM GET READY & EAT BREAKFAST
8:00 AM GO TO CHRISTY'S
8:20 AM CATCH BUS & GO TO SCHOOL!
9:00 AM - 3:35 PM SCHOOL, MORNING SNACK, & LUNCH
4:00 PM GET HOME, WALK DOG/WALKING MEDITATION
5:00 PM EVENING SNACK, HOMEWORK, & OPRAH
6:00 PM EXERCISE FOLLOWED BY DANCING MEDITATION
7:00 PM DINNER
7:30 PM GO OUT WITH FRIENDS
9:30 PM CURFEW; TV/COMPUTER TIME MONDAY & TUESDAY
11:00 PM NIGHT MEDITATION & BEDTIME MONDAY & TUESDAY/CURFEW TV/COMPUTER TIME FRIDAY
------- BEDTIME FRIDAY

Tuesday - Thursday

7:00 AM WAKE UP/MORNING MEDITATION
7:10 AM HAVE SHOWER
7:30 AM GET READY & EAT BREAKFAST
8:00 AM GO TO CHRISTY'S
8:20 AM CATCH BUS & GO TO SCHOOL
9:00 AM - 3:35 PM SCHOOL, MORNING SNACK, & LUNCH
4:00 PM GET HOME, WALK DOG/WALKING MEDITATION
5:00 PM EVENING SNACK, HOMEWORK, & OPRAH
6:00 PM DINNER
6:30 PM GO OUT WITH FRIENDS
9:30 CURFEW; TV/COMPUTER TIME
11:00 PM NIGHT MEDITATION& BEDTIME

Saturday

10:00 AM WAKE UP
10:30 AM MEDITATION
10:45 AM BREAKFAST
11:15 AM JOURNAL WRITING
11:45 AM CLEANING/MORNING SNACK
12:45 PM LUNCH (SALAD)
1:15 PM WALK DOG/WALKING MEDITATION
2:15 PM BATHING/PAMPERING
3:00 PM RELAXATION/AFTERNOON SNACK OR GO OUT UNTIL DINNER
6:00 PM DINNER
6:30 PM MOVIE OR GO OUT WITH FRIENDS
8:30 PM GO OUT WITH FRIENDS
11:00 PM CURFEW, TEA, AND NIGHT TIME MEDITATION
------- BEDTIME

Sunday

11:00 AM WAKE UP, SHOWER, & EAT
11:30 AM CHURCH
12:30 PM LUNCH
3:00 OR 4:00 PM AFTERNOON SNACK
6:00 PM SUPPER
11:00 PM BEDTIME
LEAVE DAY OPEN FOR ME! NO COMPUTER, NO PHONE, NO VISITORS/ING

Acid (Crash)

2006-04-05T12:05:36Z

Today I feel like shit. I spent all of last night first writhing in my bed to the entire duration of an over-2-hour Doors album, then an hour staring at a picture of Marilyn Monroe as her head turned into several different things (a leprechaun, a cartoon bulldog, several cradles in a row, etc) then I sat around and looked at myself a lot and wondered why I was shaking (tremors, duh.)

Anyway overall it was an awesome trip, the only problem is that I NEED SLEEP or I'm going to kill myself, and my mom won't let me sleep if I stay home late/all day.

I'M DYING!

Let's see how I feel later, this is hopefully and probably not going to last long.

SG&M

PS Did a lot of crying. The End is a great purging song, I mean, to get rid of unnessicary emotional baggage.

It's A Trip (Like no other)

2006-04-04T22:21:00Z

Either I'm suddenly on Mars and my computer screen is coming out of the computer screen or I'm going in it and my chin is suddenly much smaller or it's always been that way or this acid is taking it's desired effect. Affect? Effect, I think.

Look, I even have good grammar, too! Or at least I think so now...

Anyway, have I ever mentioned to you good people of this place here that my first time on E there was a Rock School whatever marathon on that thing with Gene Simmons?

Yeah? Good because today I was sitting by a boy named Adam and we were talking about acid and how I'd never tried it and how I should, and he said if I could get him 10 bucks he could sure as hell get me some acid pretty fucking soon (and for the record my keyboard is now miniscule) Now it's large again! So I pulled out ten bucks and he went and got it the very next 15 minutes. And I was sitting

for 2 hours

going "whenissitgonnahitme?"

And then I looked in the mirror and it hit me.

My dog is wormy crawly thing on the floor and I really have to do this again soooon. Things are getting smaller and bigger and smaller again for no apparent reasonings. It just hit me all at once, that my hands are really big and my keyboard is really rather small.

Music has taken on a completely different meaning. I don’t know if I missed it before or it wasn’t there but there’s violins all over. And her voice just fucked right out of hell and scared the shitlessness out of me. I think I get higher beeps I didn’t understand before. Wait. Nope.

Sometimes it feels like maybe everything’s back to normal and then it fucks me all up agi all the paintings are crooked. One of them comes off the wall by itself but it’s not fallen off, you know. Everything’s crooked or not exactly on the wall right. Maybe I should seize the opportunity to correctly align things! Nevermind they were just shitty frames.

Levitation is the best way to disengage.

Blotter is the best word in the world. I just realised I’m suddenly using the tab button...

I do not believe I am but only 1 step into the deep crazies of acid! ACID! WOOOOO! AAAAACIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID! Picture that only in those crazy circular swirling letters. I just said to someone

“I want to be an acid junkie and live off of acid and waif-like crackers. Those ones with the air pockets.”

Every pocket is an air pocket until you put something not-air in it!

All of this was followed by me wondering what I was doing at the computer when I could be off having fun adventures, and that's how I ended up writhing on the floor with Riders On The Storm by The Doors playing full blast while I drew a black-and-purple marker nude.

Then I watched American Idol.

& Realised I have a lovely face.

I <3 ACID!

It Is I (Santa Clause, the bubble-bearded woman.)

2006-04-04T00:29:43Z

Today I had a migraine, which sucked.

Then I went to the doctor, which sucked.

Then I had a 4-course Chinese meal, which rocked (Wonton Soup, followed by Crab Ragun & an eggroll, followed by Cashew Chicken Gai Pan, followed by, uh. Cookies.)

Then! I went out with my dog, which was fun.

Then I showed my mom my newly-discovered hair style.

Then I had a bubble bath and pretended to be Santa. It went like this :

"Hello! I am Santa Clause! Yes, I exist! *goes to pat chin* Oh! Oh, where is my beard going?! Dear God, I'm a woman! *replaces bubble beard* It is I! Santa Clause, the Bubble-Bearded Woman!"

Now. I'm. Uh. Online. Yay!

Healing Pains (Of the mind, body, and spirit.)

2006-04-02T05:02:48Z

"Laughter & Music are 
the Cure to everything."

"If you cannot see beauty in everything, 
your vision is impaired."

Frauley (Paige. 418480.)

2006-03-30T02:40:34Z

Today I went to the emergency room because my grandmother is insane. Then I went out to AJ's and had tenderloin tips and chocolate pie. Then I came home and watched America's Next Top Model. Gina is finally gone. Then I watched American Idol. Bucky didn't leave, yay! Now I am here. I am tired. I take showers in the morning starting tomorrow.

They wouldn't admit me
Because I wasn't suicidal.

I'm (That Girl)

2006-03-28T01:44:03Z

"If you still want me, please forgive me,
The crown of love is fallen from me.
If you still want me, please forgive me,
Because the spark is not within me."

What do you do if you don't know if you love someone anymore?

Me, Myself (And I.)

2006-03-26T01:57:49Z

Today I slept in very late. Then I took my dog out for a 1/2 hour walk. Then I went to see Stay Alive which wasn't very good. Then I hung out at the mall until the bus came and I went home. Now I am home.

Ain't Nobody (Gonna dog me down.)

2006-03-25T06:22:39Z

So I got in a fight with my mom around midnight because she was being a bitch because she's stressed out and decided to dump it on me.

The fight continued an hour later after I tried to go to bed (her orders) and ended up watching candle flames and reading The Truth About Van Helsing. So I decided I was going to go for a walk. That way I would actually be doing something. So, I took the dog, put on Janis Joplin, and went for a walk.

I have never felt so liberated. I imagined a 10 minute walk, I was out there over an hour. I just kept thinking

"You are walking away all of your stress, all of your depression, all of your worry, your anxiety, and to top it off, your fat."

Over and over, and I didn't want to stop walking. It was so great. And I do feel so much better now. I can't wait to go walking again.

So, Everybody's Into (Panic! At The Disco)

2006-03-24T22:52:05Z

I like them, too, for some reason. I think it's because of the uber-cute boy-groom in the video for "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies." I hate the lyrics to "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage" but I like the song, anyway.

Anyway, LaPointe is my god, again. I'm writing about flowers and marbles and dead things. It's nice.

And Etta James, Etta James, Etta James.

Other news, the Doug creature is going back out with the Paula demon. Why? Fuck if I know. And Matt has a nice penis. Oh, he does. Don't ask.

So, anyway.

I'm sick of being sick again, still.

SG&M

PS My newest favourite designers = Karl Lagerfeld (for Chanel, and Lagerfeld Gallery,) John Galliano, and most of all, Christian Lacroix.

1) Of the various cultures, ethnicities or nationalities you belong to, which most strongly do you consider yourself?

Irish.

2) Is there a culture you cannot claim heritage from but which you feel quite close to?

Russian

3) What's one language you wish you knew fluently?

French (The Parisian kind.)

4) If you could move anywhere in the world and be guaranteed a job, etc., where would you go?

South Africa

5) If you had a time machine, and could witness any one event without altering or disturbing it, what would you want to see?

The birth of me.

The Meaning Of Life (Is 42)

2006-03-23T07:14:44Z

I think that hair can float.

The French God (Has become demi)

2006-03-21T05:55:57Z

Pierre Lapointe came out with a new album and, thusly, has changed his website! And his sound is a lot different! And I am sad!

But it's good.... so I'm torn.

So, Like (Yeah)

2006-03-21T00:31:39Z

Today I sang a lot. It's all Del's fault, really. I sang to Etta James, and Dresden Dolls, and Van Halen. I love Van Halen. David Lee Roth had a hot face. Reow.

OK.

Yes.

So, Doug and Paula broke up. And Doug said he might want to be more than friends again, but he's still thinking about everything.

So.

That's all.

SG&M if you can.

I Still (Miss You)

2006-03-19T22:22:25Z

Today was my Grampie's mass, as it is the seventh anniversary of his death.

Then I bought some CDs from money I scraped together! I got a Jazz collection CD, Etta James, and Janis Joplin.

Then I saw V for Vendetta. It was fucking awesome!!

SG&M

Same Thing (Warmed over)

2006-03-17T22:37:08Z

Today I was sick. And then we went to the doctor's where I came up with the middle names for my new daughter name. She would be :

Vegas Sophia Brigitte

In other news, I just got back from a St. Patrick's day dinner of corned beef & cabbage which was too salty but the buiscuits were good. It was great, though, because my Grandma was there with her friends Viv & Barb, and they were hilarious.

Anyway, that's all. I told Doug I still love him. Now he's "confused." Whoops.

SG&M

- Paige.

1) If you were to star in a movie, who would you want to be cast as your love interest?

Kieran Culkin

2) What genre of movie would you most like to star in?

Film Noir (especially if it's independant.)

3) What song would you insist be on the soundtrack?

"That Ole Devil Called Love" by Billie Holiday.

4) What would you wear to the premiere of your movie?

The black lace gown with plisse tiers by Valentino Garavani

5) Who would you thank in your Oscar acceptance speech?

Myself.

Jessica (Has become a no-good prick.)

2006-03-16T03:04:00Z

I don't know what happened to her. She used to be the most beautiful person I'd ever known. But then one day she decided to slash her thigh, and try to be 'scene,' and give up all her dreams so she could be a disgusting fuckup idiot.

She bitches before you even give her something to bitch about. Maybe she's still not-too-secretly mad that I turned her in about her cutting to her mom. Honestly, I think her yummy suburban life with her still-together parents and her happy lovely brother whom she knows and gets along with where there are no major mental illnesses in her family. Not to mention she's gorgeous. I think she's decided to put on an act because she's become some freaky trendaholic, which I guess she always was, listening to things and watching things because other people say they're cool instead of having the guts to be herself no matter what.

And she thinks people like me, who have low self-esteems, who are fat, who have extremely long histories of mental illness in their families, whose been emotionally abused, who's afraid of the brother she doesn't talk to, whose parents are divorced and constantly put her in the middle of their problems, who was smart enough to turn herself in for cutting, and isn't afraid to stick by things she believes in even when other people think she's an idiot, have no reason to be cocky or arrogant.

I can be cocky and arrogant because I believe in myself. I know what I can do, and I know that I can do it well. I know I am above average intelligence, that I'm above normal maturity for my age, that I live down the street from gangs and druggies, I don't live in suburbia, I live in the city. I live in one of the most racist, sex-obsessed, dirtiest, drug-raging cities in my country. I've never fit it. Living in America, I was the Canadian girl. Living in Canada, I'm the American girl.

It's almost as if she's taken her own brain out. She's a pseudo-depressed whiney suburban white Michiganite who exerts a fake interest in other women for the 'cool' factor of it with nothing to do anymore, with no brain cells to use anymore, except to follow the latest trends and try to be just. Like. Everybody. Else.

I don't want to go to Africa anymore who thinks that being a big fan of a show constitutes as seeing it for the first time on a VH1 marathon. VH1 is for knock-off idiots who can't figure out what MTV is for. And I can't go to Africa or travel the world with someone who's attitude has suddenly become Miss I-Cut-Myself-And-Now-I-Know-Everything-There-Is-To-Know-About-Life.

Yes, I am absorbed in my own fantasies, but only because most of the time they become really great ideas. They're rarely stupid. They're either great stories, great RPs, great movies, great fashion lines, great travel trips, greatly amusing.

Jesse, I have helped you as much as I can for as long as I can. I have always been there for you. You have rarely ever done anything for me ever except to say "Oh, that sucks." Obviously it fucking sucked or else I wouldn't have brought it up for help. You never try to understand, you're just as selfish or maybe more than I am. I am as generous as I possibly can be. But you, you try to get other peoples problems out of the way just so you can bitch and moan about your own. I hope you choke on the mind you lost.

I'm So Proud Of Myself (It's vomit-inducing.)

2006-03-14T00:02:31Z

So today I exercised with my dog and ate really well.

And then I got treated! I got to go shopping!

We went to Frenchy's (which, to you Americans, is like Goodwill,) and mommy bought me some stuff! I got :

- A velvet dress that's very short and looks cute as a top with a collar and string on the neck line.

- A one-sleeved shirt with a Pucci print, which is my skanky top but it's pretty with a shirt underneath.

- A red-pink lingerie top that I'll wear as a shirt 'cause I'm like that that has this pretty Chinese & floral pattern on it and lace bits.

- A long red dress thing for wearing over pants with large slits on each leg.

- A blue Victoria's Secret lingerie top for wearing as a shirt, with lace at the top. It's a very pretty dark blue.

- A pink-and-white striped shirt that looks like it popped out of the early 60s.

Anna Maria (-NAR)

2006-03-12T08:03:13Z

You know the smart thing to do is what is healthy.

But you also know that hasn't been working.

Saint John (New Brunswick.)

2006-03-12T00:13:17Z

"I'm bored, sick, and lonely."

"Why?"

"Because it's boring, sickening, and lonely here."

"I know the feeling."

Me & Christy. This town sucks ass.

I'm Happy (Feeling Glad)

2006-03-10T09:12:48Z

Finally content with the layout.

TOAD AND RD ARE IN LOVE IT'S SO FUCKING CUTE!

Layout (Is Changed!)

2006-03-09T05:39:52Z

After picking a picture and forgetting I was working on the layout, I have finished and it's cute and happy and very not normal me, so, it'll change again soon... anyway you people know I'm a freak of weirdness who can't decide on anything. Ever. There's just too much brilliance floating around in my mind, I don't know what to do with it....

So come be awed by my brilliant cuteness now! Because. I say so! Yes! I do!

And my new dream is to be a psychotic therapist. Irony, ne?

No. It's still the studio apartment makeup/hair writing weird thing. Dinger. Whatever.

SG&M

I suppose I should be keeping an emotion journal thing, but I seem to continue to forget. So, I’ll sum up from around February 10th. Just before February tenth, I was feeling really quite down, in that ‘Oh, how life sucks because there’s nothing to do here.’ That stuck drifting sort of inevitable feeling.

Then February 9th came along and my mother stole me away from school and we went to Portland and stayed in a delicious inn, and then took a train to Boston where we went shopping and saw INXS and life was refreshed when we came home.

An odd feeling it is, to be happy, almost unexpected.

So I had this intensely happy feeling that I simply could not get rid of no matter how many horrible things happened (including the Valentine’s Day Massacre of My Social Life, where I got in a fight with Christy, my best friend, and gave a note to a boy I like who then abruptly stopped talking to me.) Everything just seemed to be jolly and nice and wonderful even though there were some issues.

Then, six days after my happy happy happy time, I exploded. To quote myself, ‘Stress is like a time bomb.’ I was suddenly miserable, according to my standards of happy and miserable. I was stuck again. I hate being stuck. Perhaps it’s this city. Perhaps it’s the people in this city. Perhaps it’s me. Whatever it is, I was found in my bed most hours of most days until four days later when a man stacked eight chairs one atop the other and did a handstand on top of them all. This resulted in another refreshing of my life.

Obviously, I find it quite hard to be happy unless I feel like I’m living. Which seems like a concept even an infant should be able to figure out, but, this city feels so dead to me. Even hanging out with my friends isn’t living here. It’s nothing.

So then I was still feeling well through until about the 25th of February, when I started feeling absolutely fantastic, mainly because I’d found a lot of inspiration and wrote several (in my opinion) very good pieces, which resulted in a very content me. Then I got into a religious mood, which was weird, and went on a God binge. I felt fantastic until about March 5th.

That feeling was creeping in again.

“I'm sort of back to feeling alone and unimportant and kind of drifting through life. Not to mention the numb feeling in my head that makes me think I'm empty... I'm feeling sort of soft and away if that makes any sense.” (This is when I found Bruno Cantais while looking up the phrase ‘mixed emotions,’ because I was still feeling sort of up, and he just so happened to have a painting under the same name.)

Then around March 8th things turned around again and I started feeling good about myself, which I think I can only blame on the fact that someone sent me a link to this whole story they’d written out and worked so hard on and I got half a page in and told them about twenty things wrong with it and snuffed out their spirits, which wasn’t my fault, but did end in me feeling rather smart.

Then I got to talking to someone and realised how overactive my imagination really is (during conversations I tend to come up with at least five little odd scenarios per person,) after a weird kind of... imagined situation where I would be a therapist and that would not end well. But this did make me feel as though my mind were unique and outrageously cool, which has put me in a good mood for today, March 9th. Not to mention my new dog and my mother got a job and so did my brother (but he’s losing his hair, the poor boy.)

But to note -- I have been a bit irritable lately. I think it’s because my mom has been very irritable (because she’s stressed out about things, and sick, too, I think,) and it’s sort of a reflex response. Something like

“Bitch!”

“I’m the bitch? You’re the bitch!”

That’s all for now.

People (Are the most interesting creatures.)

2006-03-09T04:32:22Z

I'm in a mood that suggests I have a very unique and outrageously cool mind.

SO I'm changing my layout! AGAIN! I'm really just bored.

Re(member)

2006-03-08T20:38:57Z

People who say other people are douches is something I don't understand, because douches are wonderful things. They aid in the cleaning of private areas, adding to the health of women.

Lovely, lovely douches....

OK, so, anyway. I'm still creeped out about this memory transmission thing. Until now I didn't realise how fucked upedly weird the world is. Really. We could all be pawns. I always thought that was a weird hollywood conspiracy thing with no truth behind it simply for the point of... well. Box office numbers. But it's real fucked. Yes.

Je Suis (Euh.... je ne sais pas.)

2006-03-07T06:09:05Z

I changed my layout. I think I always change it when my mood changes. I was quite happy there for a day or two, hence that wild thing going on, and before that I was in a weird crazy flashy mood. Now I'm sort of back to feeling alone and unimportant and kind of drifting through life. Not to mention the numb feeling in my head that makes me think I'm empty.

So, therefore, I've found the beautiful works of Bruno Cantais, two of which I've used, the outside one "En Solitaire" (In Solitary) and the inside one "Apesateur" (Weightlessness,) which I think aptly describe the current me, and they meld together quite well.

I'm feeling sort of soft and away if that makes any sense.

Go look up Bruno Cantais and look at his other works, especially "Conflits Sociaux," "Excentricité," and "Configuration Informatique."